NK\^    Tli^MPKRABrCliS    FliAi^S..l5    Cents    Mtti  \. 


MghtslnaBarRoom,  ^11  5  BotUe,  -  •  •  .  -^  11  6 
,.ird.  Drama,  5  Acts,  12  5  Drnnkard's Doom,  •  -  15  5 
rsofa  Drunkard's  Life,  10  i  I  Aunt  Dinah's  Pledgf),        •        6    3 


Temperance  Do*l  ,r,  >  •  10  * 
Fruits  of  the  Wine  Cop,  •  6  S 
Drunkard's  Warning,   [ej        6    Z 


Xo.  OOXLI. 

FRENCH'S    MINOR    DRAMA. 


COOL  AS  A  CUCUMBER: 


A  FAECE,  IN  ONE  ACT. 


BY  W.  BLANCHARD  JERROLD,  ESQ. 


TO   WHICH  ARE  ADDED 


A  Description  of  the  Costume— Cast  of  the  Characters— Entrances  and  Exits— 

Relative  Positions  of  the  Performers  on  the  Stage,  and 

the  whole  ox  the  Siage  Business. 


AS    KOW    PERFORMED    AT    THE    PRINCIPAL   ENGLISH 
AND    AMERICAN    THEATRES. 


NEW  TOBK: 

Samuel  French  &.   Son, 

PCBLISHEBS, 

No.    1;3$8    Nassau    Street. 


LONDON: 

Samuel    French, 

PTJBLISHEE, 

39   srcTiJ^jsriD, 


BOOKS    £VKIIY    AMATETTK    SHOUiii/    HAVE. 
J=*'ilf*'?^^^''*^J.  °'"'  Hovrto  Get  nn  Hone  Theatricals  and  to  Act  Intbem,  with  finlat,  By 
ftinnp  TifTiii.T^'i'^SJ''*'."!^^"^'''^"'"'"'"*"'^  for  Amateur  Sociotlea,    Price  25  OtS. 
6UIDE  TO  THE  STAGE.    15  cents.   ^  ART  OIT  ACTING.    15  cento.  J^ 

Anything  on  thit  cover  sent  by  mail  an  receipt  of  price,  / 


FRENCH'S  STANDARD  DRAMA. 

I*rice  15  Cents  each.— Bound  Volumes  $L  26. 


VOL  t 

lien 

5  FmIo 

8  The  Lady  of  I<7ona 
4  Bieheliea 

6  The  Wife 

6  The  Honeymoon 

T  The  School  for  Scandal 

8  Money 

VOL.  II. 

9  The  Stranger 

10  <Jrandfather  Whitehead 

11  Riehard  III 

13  Love's  Sacrifice 

13  The  Gamester 

U  X  Cure  for  the  Heartache 

15  The  Hanchback 

16  Don  Ctesar  de  Bazan 

VOL.  III. 

17  The  Poor  Qentleman 

18  Hamlet 

19  Charles  II 

20  Venice  Preaerred 
31  Plzarro 

23  The  Lore  Chase 

23  Othello 

24  Lend  me  Five  Shillingi 

VOL.  IV. 
26  Virginlus 

26  King  of  the  Commona 
I  37  London  Assurance 
I   88  The  Rent  Day 

29  Two  Gentlemen ofVerona 
I  30  The  Jealous  Wife 
I  31  The  Rivals 
83  Perfection 

VOL.  V.     [Debts 
I  83  A  New  Way  to  Pay  Old 
I  84  Look  Before  You  Leap 
35  King  John 
grrous  Man 

d  Pythias 

)larriage 
etl 

the  Wedding 
VI 

lough 
til  Juliet 
•imes 

the  Twelfth 
•v  id»* 

*6  Ti.,       IIie»  of  a  Night 
47Iron'vJest       [Fft'rLady 
44  Faint  Heart  Never  Won 

vot'  rii. 

4#  Road  to  B>»ia 

60  Maconth 
I  M  Temper 

1  t2  Kvadne 
i.  M  Bertram 

«4  The  Daei>n» 

<»5  Much  Ad»  A>*vt  Nothing 

66  The  Cntie 

VOL.  VIII. 
«7  The  Apo*Ute 
I  W  Twelfth  Night 
*9  Brutua 
<0  Simpson  k  Co 

61  Merohant  of  Vatilee 

62  Old  Heads  &  Young  Hearts 

63  Moantfcineers  Iriage 

64  Three  Week*  after  Mar- 

VOL.  IX. 

65  LoTe 

65  As  Yon  Like  It 

67  Toe  Rider  Brvtbea- 
6il  Werner 

69  Oisippui 

70  Town  and  Cauntry 

71  King  Lear 

73  Bine  Devila 

VOL.  X. 
TS  Henry  VIII 

74  Married  and  Blngl* 

75  Henry  IV 
16  Paul  Pry 

77  Guy  Mannerlng 

78  Sw<««theM-«s  and  Wives 

79  Scriou*  F«.mily 

fO  She  S'-oops  to  Conquer 


VOL.  XI. 

81  Jalins  Csesar 

82  Vicar  of  WakefitM 

83  Le;p  Year 

84  Tbe  Catspaw 

85  The  Passing  Cload 

86  Drnnkard 
yr  Rob  Roy 

88  Oebrge  Barnwell 

VOL.  XII. 

89  Ingomar 

90  Sketches  In  India 

91  Two  Friends 

92  Jane  Shore 

93  Corslcan  Broth?  js 

94  Mind  your  own  Business 

95  Writing  on  uie  Wall 

96  Heir  at  Law 

VOL.  XIII. 

97  Soldier' s  Daughter 

98  Douglas 

99  Marco  Spada 

100  Nature' s  Nobleman 

101  Sardanapalus 

102  CiviUzation 

103  The  Robbers 

104  Katharine  and  Petruehio 
VOL.  XIV. 

105  Gamp  of  Love 

106  Midsummer  Night's 

107  Ernestine  [Dream 

108  Rag  Picker  of  Paris 

109  Flying  Dutchman 

110  Hvpocrite 

111  Therese 

112  La  Tour  de  Nesle 
VOL.  XV. 

113  Ireland  As  It  Is 

114  ^ea  of  Ice 
:i5  Seven  Clerks 

116  Game  of  Life 

117  Forty  Thieves 

118  Bryan  Boroihmb 

119  Romance  and  Reality 

120  Ugolino 
VOL.  ?VL 

121  The  Tempest 

122  The  Pilot 

123  Carpenter  of  Rouen 

124  King's  Rival 

125  Little  Treasure 

126  Dombey  and  Son 

127  Parents  and  Guardians 

128  Jewess 
VOL.  XVII 

129  Camille 

130  Married  Life 

131  Wenlock  of  Wenlock 

132  Rose  or  Kttrickvale 

133  David  Copperfleld 

134  Aline,  or  the  Rose  of 

135  Pauline  [Killam^ 

136  Jane  Evre 
VOL.  xvin. 

137  Night  and  Morning 

138  iCthiop 
39  Three  Guardsmen 

140  Tom  Cringle 

141  Henriette,  the  Forsaken 
143  Eustache  Baudin 

143  Ernest  Maltravers 

144  Bold  Dragoons 
VOL.  XIX. 

145  Dred,  or  the  Dismal 

[Swamp 

146  Last  Days  of  Pompeii 

147  Esmeralda 

148  Peter  Wilkins 

149  Ben  the  Boatswain 

150  Jonathan  Bradford 

151  Retribution 
153  Minerali 

VOL.  XX. 
153  French  Spy 
134  Wept  of  Wish-ton  Wish 

155  Evil  Genius 

156  Ben  Bolt 

157  Sailor  of  Franc* 

158  Bed  Mask 

159  Life  ef  an  Actress 

160  Wedding  Day 


[Moscow 


VOL.  XXI. 

161  AlVsFiirinLov* 

162  Hofe 

163  Self 

164  Cinderella 

165  Phantora^ 

166  Franklin 

167  ThB  Gunmakef  of 

168  The  Lore  of  a  Princa 

VOL.  xxn. 

169  Son  of  the  Night 

170  Rory  O'More 

171  Golden  Eagle 

172  RIenzi 

173  Broken  Sword 

174  Rip  Van  Winkle 

175  Isabella 

176  Heart  of  Mid  Lothian 
VOL.  XXIII. 

177  Actress  of  Padua 

178  Floating  Beacon 

179  Bride  of  Lamermoor 

180  Cataract  of  the  Ganges 

181  Robber  of  the  Rhine 
183  School  of  Reform 

183  Wanderint^  Boys 

184  Mazeppa 
VOL.  XXIV. 

185  Young  New  York 

186  The  Victims 

187  Romance  after  Marriags 

188  Brigand 
i<j9  Poor  of  New  York 

190  Ambrose  Gwinett 

191  Raymond  and  Agnes 

192  Gambler's  Fate 
VOL.  XXV. 

193  Father  and  Son 

194  Massaniello 

195  Sixteen  String  Jack 

196  Youthful  Queen 

197  Skeleton  Witness 

198  Innkeeper  of  Abbeville 

199  Miller  and  his  Men 

200  Aladdin 
VOL.  XXVI. 

201  Adrienne  the  Actress 

202  Undiuo 

203  Jessie  Brown 

204  Asmodeus 

205  Iformons 

206  Blanche  of  Brandywlne 

207  Viola 

208  Deseret  Deserted 
VOL.  XXVII. 

209  Americans  in  Paris 

210  Victorine 

211  Wizard  of  the  Wav* 
2  Castle  Spectre 

213  Horse-shoe  Robinson 

214  Armand,  Mrs  Mowatt 
315  Fashion,  Mrs  Mowatt 

216  Glance  at  New  York 
VOL.  xxvin. 

217  Incon?tant 
nS  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin 

219  Guide  to  the  Stage 

220  Veteran 

221  Miller  of  New  Jersey 

222  Dark  Hour  before  Dawn 

223  Mldsum'r  Night's  Dream 
'  Laura  Keen*  s  Edition 

224  Art  and  Artifice 
VOL.  XXIX 

225  Poor  Young  Man 
'226  Osaawattomie  Brown 
■227  Pope  of  Rome 

228  Oliver  Twist 

229  Pauvrette 

230  Man  in  the  Iron  Ma«k 

231  Knigot  of  Arva 
■«?  ."ioll  Pitcher 

VOL.  XXX. 

233  Black  Eyed  Susan 

234  Satan  in  Paris 

235  Hosina  Meadows       (essj.<'i5  The  Noble  Heart 
336  West  End,  or  Irish  Heir  316  Corlolanus 

237  Six  Degrees  of  Crime      1317  The  Winter's  Tala 

238  The  I.adv  and  the  Devil|3l8  Eveleen  Wilson 

239  .Vvenger.or.Moorof  Sici-  319  Ivanhoe 
40  Masks  and  Faces        Jly{3'20  Jonathan  in  Bnglantf 


VOL.  XXXI. 

241  Merry  Wires  of  Windsor 

242  Mary's  Birthday 

243  Shandy  Maguire 

244  Wild  Oats 

245  Michael  Erie 

246  Idiot  Witness 

247  Willow  Copsa 

348  People's  Lawyer 
VOL.  XXXII. 

349  The  Boy  Martyrs 

350  Lucretia  Borgia 

351  Surgeon  of  Paris 
353  Patrician's  Daughter 

253  Shoemaker  of  Touloua* 

254  Momentous  Question 

255  Lore  and  Loyalty 
856  Robber's  Wife 

VOL.  XXXIII. 

257  Dumb  Girl  of  Genok 

258  Wreck  Ashoro 

259  Clari 

260  Rural  FeUcity 

261  Wallace 

262  Madelaine 

263  The  Fireman 

264  Grist  to  the  Mill 
VOL.  XXXIV. 

265  Two  Loves  and  a  lAt* 

266  Annie  Blake 

267  Steward 

268  Captain  Kyd 

269  Nick  of  the  Wooda 

270  Marble  Heart 

271  Second  Love 

272  Dream  at  Sea 
VOL.  XXXV. 

273  Breach  of  Promiao 

274  Review 

275  Lady  of  the  Lake 

276  Still  Water  Runs  Deep 
27T  The  Scholar 
•278  Helping  Hands 

279  Faust  and  Marguerite 

280  Last  Man 
VOL.    XXXVI. 

281  Belle's  Stratagem 
Old  and  Young 

283  RafTaella 

284  Ruth  Oakley 

285  British  Slave 
38C  A  Life's  Ransom 

287  Giralda 

288  Time  Tries  All 
VOL.  XXXVII. 

289  Ella  Rosenburg 

290  Warlock  of  the  Glen 

291  Zelina 

292  Beatrice 

293  Neighbor  Jackwood 

294  Wonder 
'295  Robert  Emmet 

296  Green  Boshes 

VOL.  xxxvni. 

297  Flowers  of  the  For«:!J 

298  A  Bachelor  of  ArU 

299  The  Midnight  Banquet 

300  Husband  of  an  Hour 

301  Love's  Labor  Loat 

302  Naiad  Queen 

303  Caprice 

304  Cradle  of  Liberty 
VOL.  XXXIX. 

305  The  Lost  Ship 

306  Country  Squira 

307  Fraud  and  its  Vletlma 

308  Putnam 

309  King  and  Deserter 

310  La  Piammina 

311  A  Hard  Struggle 
"""  Gwinnette  Vaughan 

VOL.  XL. 

313  The  Lore  Knot    [Judge 

314  Lavater,  or  Not  a  Bad  I 


(Catalogue  coTttinued  on  third  page  of  cover.) 


COOL   AS    A    CUCUMBER. 

IN      ONE      .ACT. 


WRITTEN   BY 

W.    BLANCHARD     JERROLD,     ESQ. 


DRiaiNAL   CASTS,  COSTUMES,  AND    THE    WHOLE   OF   THE    STAQl 

BUSINESS.  CORRECTLY  MARKED  AND  AXRANQED.  BY 

MR.  J.  B.  WRIGHT,  ASSISTANT  MANAQKH 

07  THE  BOSTON  TSBATR& 


NEW     YORK: 
AMUEL      FRENCH,      PUBLISHER, 
122    Nassau    Street. 


m 
o 

o 
o 

OQ 

*1 
D 


if   l-^l   la 

"»   .  g  c  «      o**" 
fiq     g--      g3 


^  09 

§    s 

S     —  «  S 


11 


2- 


is  ^1     I 

||=acao    *;* 


ai  S 


^    g«  :    w 


"f;      Sc<5Tr 


(?) 


\yKS 


fijlLl 


OL    A_S    A    CUCUMBER.      ^  ^^ 


ScE>'E  I.  —  Draicing  Room    in   Mr.   B^ii^i.v  :,    Hmt^  .  3    and  5    0«  't^^ 
c.  door  open,  backed  with  veranda.  Sec. ;  set  door,   1  E.  R.  H.  ;  9ei  [*tif'i 
door,  1   E.  L.  H.  ;  sei  window,  practical,  2  E.  L.  H. ;  set  door,  3   e,        ^ 
L.  H. ;  «e{  door,  3  e.  r.  h.  ;  set  fireplace,  r.  h.  2  e.  ;  portrait  over  ^^l 
^replace ifpictures  hanging  or^  walls;  sofa,  r.  h.  ;  card  tables  on  R. 
and  L.  H. ;  arm  chair  on  R.  H.  ;  four  chairs  on  ;  firestand  with  shovel 
and  poker,  11.  h.  2  e.  ;  hearth  rm  ;  carpet  down ;  knock  heard  with' 
out,  L."  H  V  T.  E. ;  roo/ti  elegantly  furnished, 

Ent,^-  .   iOitiSB,  followed  by  I'^i.  ririiE,  l.  11.  1  e.  'fjyr^  ^^i. 

Wig.    (r.)     "What  name  shall  I  say,  please,  sir  ?  • 

Plum,  (l.)  My  nauic,  did  you  say?  O,  your  master  doesn  t 
know  ray  name.  I  say,  you  don't  keep  the  stairs  very  clean  in  this 
establishment,  Susan  ;  your  name  is  Susan,  of  course  ?  Yes,  you  look 
like  a  Susan  —  deused  ugly  name  ! 

Wig.     La,  sir  !  my  name's  Mary  "Wiggins. 

Plum.  No,  it  isn't !  I  know  better,  I  tell  you,  and  there's  no 
deceiving  me  —  it's  Susan  !  Pugh  !  how  close  this  house  smells  !  — 
hang  it,  let's  open  the  window  !     (Opens  windoic,  l.  h.  2  e.) 

Wig.  (Aside.)  Well,  he  makes  himself  at  home  ;  I  suppose  he's 
a  poor  relation.     {Getting  R.  h.) 

Plum.  {Throxcs  himself  on  sofa,  R.  c,  and  casts  away  the  anti' 
macassar  that  covered  the  head  of  it.)  Hang  these  rags  !  Why  the 
dense  does  Mi-s.  Barkins  put  these  stupid  things  here  r  It's  a  very 
bad  compliment  to  the  heads  of  your  friends,  or  the  heads  of  the  fam- 
ily. By  the  by,  speaking  of  the  heads  of  the  family,  how  is  Mrs. 
Barkins  ? 

Wig.  There  is  no  Mrs.  Barkins,  sir  ;  my  missis  is  Miss  Honiton. 
{Ctvsses,  L.)  \,.^ 

Fium: — Bcukii^Kgeiiiui  ! Barkins  senior  f 

"Wig. — 0  sir  !  oho^  master's  niece,-  i  assure  you.' 

Plum.     Wheygnid  cho  waca't  I — Hang  it»  how  sharp  the  women  ttro  ■ 
^,-gctting  \     Well,  Susan  —  for  I  know  it  is  Susan  -r-  tell  your  master  a 
gentleman  wishes  to  see  him. 

Wig.  Very  well,  sir  !  —  {Aside.)  Say,  a  gentleman  I  —  a  gentle- 
man —  well,  I  hope  I  may  be  forgiven  !  {Exit,  d.  l.  3  e.) 

Plum.  Humph  !  I  wonder  what  old  Barkins  is  like  !  Let  me  see, 
what  can  I  tell  the  old  boy  about  Barkins  junior  ?  for  of  course 
they're  relations  —  yes,  they  must  be  —  happily  the  name's  not  com- 
mon. I  only  saw  young  Barkins  for  about  a  couple  of  hours  on 
board  the  Rhine  boat  —  that  was  quite  enough  —  only  got  at  his 
name  by  catching  it  on  his  cigar  case,  when  he  offered  me  a  weed. 
By  the  way,  he  said  something  about  a  stupid,  annoying  love  match 
he  had  on  hand  —  he  said  his  friends  were  deused  liberal.  Well,  I 
suppose  I  must  flatter  the  old  boy.  I  think  my  old  governor  will  be 
pleased  to  "see  me.     He  sent  me  abroad  to  get  rid  of  an  inveterate 

(3) 

1^359541 


4  COOL   AS   A    CUCUMBER. 

modesty  that  threatened  to  ruin  my  prospects  in  life,  and  I  flatter 
myself  I  have  benefited  by  my  journey,  though  I  think  I'm  still  a 
little  spoony  —  a  Httle  bashful  at  times  ;  but  I'll  shake  it  all  off,  I'm 
determined.  (^Looks  round  the  room.)  Well,  I  can't  compliment  old 
Barkins  upon  having  an  eye  for  the  picturesque,  certainly  not ;  for 
the  arrangement  of  this  room  is  most  offensively  tasteless.  Hang  it ! 
those  card  tables  should  be  vis-a-vis,  (moves  them,)  and  this  sof& 
shouldn't  be  here.  {Moves  it  across  stage.)  There,  Inere,  that's  & 
little  better  !  And  these  pictures,  too  —  Barkins  !  Barkins  !  you  are 
Badly  wanting  in  artistic  feeling  !  (Transposes pictures.)  Ah  !  that'* 
Barkins,  of  course,  over  the  mantel  piece !  Poor  fellow  !  how  plain  ! 
—  in  pity,  we  must  put  him  in  a  less  conspicuous  position.  (  Wheels 
table  tojireplace,  and  gets  upon  table,  reaches  picture  down,  and  has  it  m 
his  ha7ids,  when  — ) 

Enter  Barkins,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.,  who  stands  looking  at  him  with  amaze- 
ment for  some  moments ;  Plumper  silently  compares  the  portrait  he 
V        holds  in  his  hand  with  the  original. 
Jj^  It's  very  like  —  exceedingly  like.     The  hair  is  handled  with  a  dex- 
t^^exiiy  worthy  of  Truefit,  imd  the  hands  have  a  delicacy  of  tint  —  it's 
f       a  pity  they're  so  large  —  that  ssts  the  very  best  almond  soap  at  defi- 
ance.    Really,  Mr.  Barkins,  you  have  a  masterpiece  here.     I  should 
say,  by  the  cloudy  backgiound,  and  the  artistic  light  thrown  upon  the 
buttons  —  a  masterpiece  by  —  Buggins. 

Bar.  (L.)  Sir,  I  am  lost  in  astonishment  at  the  marvellous  cool- 
ness of  this  intrusion. 

Plum.  (Aside.)  I'm  thankful  for  that  —  he  doesn't  think  me 
bashful. 

Bar.     Come  down,  sir ! 

Plum.  You  don't  suppose  I'm  going  to  stop  here  all  day.  (Gets 
down,  and  advances.)  Don't  be  in  a  hurry  —  first  let  me  put  this 
table  in  its  place. 

Bar»     Sir  ! 

Plum,  (r.)  Let's  proceed  in  the  usual  way.  Mr.  Barkins,  I  be- 
lieve ?     (Botoing.) 

Bar.     Sir,  I  am 

Plum.  Don't  irritate  yourself,  old  Barkins ;  that  is  to  say,  Mr. 
Barkins  senior. 

Bar.     Sir,  I  am  a  man  of  business  ! 

Plum.  That's  a  pity  ;  they  wouldn't  admit  you  into  my  club,  if 
1  were  to  propose  you. 

Bar.  How  dare  you,  sir,  meddle  with  the  arrangement  of  my 
rooms  —  misplace  my  pictures  ? 

Plum.  (  Throicing  himself  itito  arm  chair,  R.  n.)  Precisely  so  — 
1  thought  as  much  — just  the  way  of  the  world  again  !  Now,  attend 
to  me  for  one  moment,  Barkins  —  we're  not  old  friends ;  but  we  in- 
tend to  be. 

Bar.     (Aside.)     Cool,  upon  my  word !     (Sits.) 

Plum.  So  I'll  speak  to  you  plainly  :  tLere'  nothing  like  begin- 
ning as  we  mean  to  go  on.  Well,  it's  very  clear,  though,  for  aught  1 
know  to  the  contrary,  you  mag,  I  say  tnay  be  an  honest  man. 

Bar.     Sir ! 

Plum.     It's  very  plain  you've  not  the  remotest  pretcnHion  to  taste 


COOL   AS   A    CUCUMBEB.  ft 

fiar.     Upon  my  word,  sir ! 

Phim.  {Coolly.)  It's  no  fault  of  yours.  Some  people  are  born 
Idiots ;  others  with  an  extraordinary  amount  of  intellect ;  others, 
again,  with  very  limited  capacities  ;  whilst  some  few  are  gifted,  from 
their  birth,  -w-ith  talents  and  perceptions  which  must  ever  remain  a 
mystery  to  meaner  mortals.  Now  are  we  beginning  to  understand 
one  another,  Barkins  senior  ? 

Bar.  Sir,  I've  told  you  before,  and  I  must  repeat  it  now,  that  I  am 
a  man  of  the  world,  and 

Plum,  I  beg  your  pardon  ;  but  you  never  said  any  thing  of  the 
kind. 

Bar.    "When  I  first  came  in  I  told  you  I  was  a  man  of  the  world. 

Plum.  I  beg  pardon  ;  I  have  a  most  retentive  memory,  and  I'll 
take  my  oath  you  never  said  any  thing  of  the  kind. 

Bar.     I  said  I  was  a  man  of  business. 

Plum.     That's  a  diiferent  thing  altogether. 

Bar.  Well,  sir,  a  man  of  business,  or  a  man  of  tue  world,  it's  all 
the  same. 

Plum.  No,  sir !  a  man  of  business  is  not  a  man  of  the  world ; 
how  many  men  of  the  world  are  not  men  of  business  !  It  won't  do, 
it  won't  hold  water. 

Bar.     Well,  then,  I'm  a  mwi  of  the  world  and 

Plum.  Very  well.  Now,  then,  I'll  remark  upon  it.  Sorry  to 
lear  it,  Barkins,  sorry  to  hear  it !  What  is  your  man  of  the  world  ? 
a  fellow  who  has  got  a  list  of  its  weaknesses  and  vices  at  his  tongue's 
end,  who  looks  askant  at  his  neighbor,  and  thinks  every  body,  with 
the  single  exception  of  himseK,  either  a  flourishing  pickpocket  or  a 
returned  convict.  O  !  you're  a  man  of  the  world,  are  you?  You 
know  all  its  dirty  corners  an  i  dark  alleys  —  you  think  every  body 
and  every  thing  bad,  and,  I  da^e  be  sworn,  won't  allow  there's  a  bright 
side  to  the  moon  ?  I'm  sorry  for  you,  Barkins  senior ;  but  we  must 
reform  you. 

Bar.  Thank  you,  Mr. May  I,  since  you  are  so  communica- 
tive and  complimentary,  beg  the  favor  of  your  name  ? 

Plum.  With  great  pleasure  !  —  my  name  is  Horatio,  George, 
Brummel,  William,  Wolfganjj^  Thomas  Plumper,  of  Howqua  Park, 
near  Tee  Green,  Yorkshire. 

Bar.    Your  godfathers  were  ^Trtile  in  names,  Mr.  Plumper. 

Plum.  Yes,  I  must  confess  they  did  the  handsome  thing.  "Xou 
see,  when  I  was  a  child,  only  a  few  weeks  old,  I  gave  signs  of  great 
genius  ;  and  as  it  was  difficult  to  determine  the  particular  bent  uf  it, 
ray  friends,  with  a  foresight  that  cannot  be  too  keenly  admired,  called 
me  Horatio,  thinking  that  I  might  rival  Nelson  in  personal  courage 

—  George,  ia  the  hope  that  I  might  be  the  second  finest  gentleman 
in  Europe  —  Brummel,  in  the  belief  tiiat  I  sbould  display  unequalled 
taste  in  adorning  a  not  insignificant  person  —  William,  in  the  hope 
that  I  might  one  day  stand  side  by  side  with  Shakspeare  —  Wolf- 
gang, from  my  unmistakable  promise  of  becoming  a  second  Mozart 

—  and,  finally,  Thomas,  after  the  immortal  Lawrencp ;  and,  as  you 
will  have  perceived  by  my  criticism  on  your  excellent  portrait,  and 
the  artistic  arrangement  of  your  apartment,  my  final  cognomeai  is  not 
altogether  inappropriate.    But  I  am  a  modest  man,  sir;  anci  aettina 

I* 


0  COOL  AS   A   CUCUMBER. 

^aside  George,  Bru-iimel,  "William,  Wolfgang,  and  Thomas,  as  something 
to  fall  back  upon,  I  content  myself  with  Horatio  G.  B.  "VV.  W.  T 
Plumper,  Esquire,  at  your  service  ! 

Bar.  Well,  sir,  having  learned  —  that  is  to  say,  heard,  for  it  would 
take  a  fortnight's  study  to  learn  —  your  name 

Plum,    Ha,  ha,  ha  !  —  that's  very  neat ! 

Bar.     May  I  be  so  bold 

Plum.     Ha,  ha,  ha  !  — very  good  ! 

Bar.     Don't  interrupt  me,  sir  ! 

Plum.     Well,  if  you  will  say  good  things,  I  must  laugh  at  them. 

Bar.  May  I  be  so  bold,  in  my  own  house,  and  on  my  own  Bruf- 
sels,  as  to  ask  the  purpose  of  your  visit  ? 

Plum.  Brussels  ?  1  thought  it  was  Kidderminster  !  —  No  —  a 
bad  Brussels  !  {^Examining  it.)  I  could  get  you  a  good  serviceable 
one  of  this  description,  at  about  three  shillings  per  yard. 

Bar.     This  is  impertinence,  sir,  which 

Plum.  Impertinence  ?  Nonsense  !  —  aren't  you  a  man  of  the 
world  ?  Besides,  every  thing  is  so  new  to  me  here  in  England,  since 
I've  been  away  on  the  Khine  and  through  Germany 

Bar.  {^Cordially.)  The  Rhine?  —  Germany?  Ha,  ha!  now  I 
guess  all  —  he's  a  friend  of  my  son's.  —  Wiggins,  bring  some  wine. 

Plum.     Yes,  Wiggins,  bring  some  wine. 

Bar.     And  glasses. 

Plum.     And  let  them  be  large  ones. 

Bar.    And  so  you  bring  news  from  my  boy  Frederick  ! 

Plum.  Well,  if  it  be  news  to  you  to  tell  you  that  he  is  passion- 
ately fond  of  brandy  ;  is  not  a  bad  judge  of  cigars ;  says  "  the  old 
boy,"  as  he  called  you,  is  rather  liberal  than  otherwise  ;  doesn't  like 
the  German  women,  and  can't  speak  three  words  of  the  language,  — 

1  certainly  am  the  bearer  of  important  information  ! 

Bar.     You  have  a  letter  from  my  son,  I  presume,  Mr.  Plumper  r 

Plum.  O,  dear,  no  !  I  believe  he  was  not  in  want  of  money  when 
I  left  him.  He's  a  ^mtHfrr^  good  judge  of  cigars  !  It's  a  pity  he's 
carroty ! 

Bar.     Sir ! 

Plum.  No  offence !  I  like  red  hair ;  can't  be  too  red  for  me  — 
ehouldn't  object  to  vermilion  —  especially  on  a  frosty  day  ;  but  you 
must  allow  there  is  a  popular  prejudice  against  the  color.  I  don't 
mind  it  —  it's  no  bar  to  happiness,  or  a  squint  either ;  as  you  are 
aware,  he  has  a  slight  impediment  in  the  left  eye.  But  that's  nothing 
—  the  heart's  the  thing  —  the  mmd,  Mr.  Barkins,  the  mind  !  How- 
ever, he  seems,  notwithstanding,  to  have  awakened  a  tender  sentiment 
in  some  female. 

Bar.  {Aside.)  Then  he  has  not  forgotten  Jessy !  Hang  it !  the 
boy's  incurable,  and  the  Honorable  Miss  Dumps  will  have  to  marry 
another.  —  (Aloud.)  Was  he  in  a  very  melancholy  mood  when  you 
*ast  saw  hini  ?  did  he  appear  to  be  very  lovesick,  or  homesick  ? 

Plum.  {Aside.)  I  suppose  I  must  flatter  the  old  boy  ;  it  must  be 
getting  near  the  family  luncheon  hour.  —  {Aloud.)  Why,  yes,  poor 
fellow,  he  said  he  longed  to  be  sipping  the  generous  old  i)ort  his  father 
kept  —  to  lunch  again  at  —  {Looks  at  watch.  Aside.)  It  wants  a 
quarter  !  —  {Aloud.)  —  at  the  good  old  English  hour  of  three,  instead 
of  going  tlirough  the  dull  vulgar  German  one  o'clock  dinner.     He 


l\jiMU^rcit/c4  J^  3 


z^ 


COOL  AS   A   CUCUMBER.  --^  - 

dwelt  with  particular  emphasis  on  his  good  father's  punctuality,  and 
his  profuse  hospitality. 

Bar.  (  With  affected  carelessness.)  And  what  said  he  of  his  be- 
trothed ? 

Plum.  Quite  poetical,  I  assure  you.  He  cut  a  couplet  to  her  mera- 
mory,  with  his  penknife,  in  the  cabin  door,  talked  of  the  happiness  of 
the  domestic  fireside,  and  vowed  Malthus  was  a  monster. 

Bar.  {Aside.)  I  must  get  the  whole  truth  out  of  this  fellow  ;  I 
had  better  ask  him  to  dinner.  —  {Aloud.)  To-day,  Mr.  Plumper,  we 
dine  at  seven  ;  may  I  count  upon  the  honor  of  your  company  r  It  is 
80  long  since  I've  heard  from  my  boy  Frederick,  that  I  cannot  eon- 
sent  to  part  with  one  who  has  just  seen  him,  and  directly. 

Plum.  Why,  thank  you,  Mr.  Barkins  ;  the  fact  is,  I  have  prom- 
ised to  take  a  chop  with  a  friend  of  mine  at  the  Carlton,  at  a  little 
after  seven.  If  you  lunch  early,  Mr.  Barkins,  I  shall  be  proud  to  take 
a  snack  with  you.  You  will  allow  me  to  keep  my  appointment  after- 
wards ? 

Bar.  Certainly  !  we  lunch  punctually  at  three,  as  usual.  So,  my 
boy,  Frederick,  is  still  in  love,  eh  ? 

Plum.  Over  head  and  ears,  poor  fellow  !  talked  of  living  on  love. 
I  suggested  a  couple  of  chops,  and  a  devilled  kidney  to  follow. 

Bar.  (Aside.)  Was  ever  man  so  plagued?  Well,  it  serves  me 
right  for  having  Jessy  in  the  house. 

Plum.  I've  only  been  in  England  about  ten  days  —  was  sent  abroad 
to  get  rid  of  a  certain  —  I  may  say  constitutional  bashfulness. 

Bar.  {Sarcastically.)  And  you  accomplished  the  purpose  of  your 
travels?     \  •»    ';  ^     . 

Plum.  Sclaj-cely  !  I'm  a  little  better,  I  believe  ;  but  I've  still  much 
to  learn.  How  odd,  by  the  way,  that  I  should  find  you  out !  I  hap- 
pened to  see  "  Barkins  "  on  the  door,  as  I  was  passing  —  that  reminds 
me,  I'd  have  that  brass  plate  cleaned,  if  I  were  you  ;  it  looks  very  dis- 
reputable at  present  —  and  it  struck  me  that  it  must  be  a  connection 
of  my  old  travelling  companion,  and  in  I  cmne.  This  is  not  an  un- 
pleasant situation.  {Looking  from  iciadow,  L.  H.  2  i^  The  grounds, 
I  see,  are  a  little  out  of  order,  and  {sniffing)  surely  there  must  be  a 
currier's  in  the  neighborhood ;  but,  taking  it  altogether,  I  dare  say 
you  manage  to  liv£#[)BiJtty  comfortably.     Is  the  rent  heavy  ? 

Bar.  {Aside.)  -^oi,  upon  my  word!  —  {Aloud.)  Why,  yes, 
Mr.  Plumper,  wc  do  support  existence  ;  and  I  pay  no  rent,  for  the 
house  is  my  own  property. 

Plum.  Well,  I  dare  say  you  do  manage  to  get  through  life.  Noth- 
ing aff'ccts  some  people.  Now,  I  could  no  more  live  here  than  in  a 
rat-trap. 

Bar.  (r.  h.  Aside.)  I'm  glad  to  hear  that,  however  —  {Aknid.) 
t  wonder  how  a  gentleman  of  your  sensitive  temperament  can  exist 
out  of  a  glass  case. 

Plum.  {Affecting  to  laugh.)  Not  bad,  for  a  man  of  your  time  of 
life. 

Bar.     My  time  of  life,  sir  ! 

Plum.  I  didn't  say  what  time,  whether  twenty,  or  forty,  or  sixty 
—  1  simply  said,  <«  your  time  of  life."  If  age  be  a  weak  point  with 
jrou,  let's  drop  the  subject.  Come,  Barkins  senior,  we  musn't  quarrel ; 
we're  not  old  friends. 


f        '«•--''  <'00L  AS   A   CUCUMBER. 

,.— ^^^gP««*^?Z<erWlGGINS,  D.  L.  H.  3  E. 

sir,   Miss  Honiton  wishes  to  speak  with  you  for  % 


\.  tt.oment,  sir. 

Bar.     (^Aside.^     Hang  Miss  Honiton  !  —  {Aloud.^    Tell  IMiss  Honi- 
ton I'll  be  with  her  in  a  minute,     (^ramwrn^o'cr.  g^ 

Wig,     {Looking  at  Plumper,  and  aside.)     A  gentleman,  indeed  I   (    , 
Pshaw  !  {Exit,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.)  [6yA\v 

Plum.  (r.  h.)  Honiton  !  Jessy  Honiton  !  what  a  sweet  name .  /¥  tL 
I  declare  —  excuse  me,  Mr.  Barkins,  /  could  almost  fall  in  love  with  ^^' 
a  girl  named  Jessy  Honiton.  ^^^X 

Bar.     (r.,  aside.)    I  wish  he  would,  and  rid  me  of  her.  At^ 

Plum.     Is  she  pretty  ?     Something  slim  and  petite  is  my  style  — 
quality,  not  quantity.     {On  sofa.')  ^mjl 

Bai'.     Since  you  ai-e  so  curious,  you  shall  see  the  lady,  and  judge 
for  yourself. 

Plum,     You're  very  kind,  Mr.  Barkins,  extremely  kind.  —  {Aside.) 
He'd  give  her  something  handsome  I  should  think  ;  he  looks  rich. 

E)iier  Wiggins,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.,  with  salver,  decanter  of  sherry,  and  two 

toine  glasses,  and  then  exit  D.  L.  h.  3  e.  I- 1/ t<l  ^>tAj  s 

(Plumper  goes  to  table,  pours  out  a  glass  of  icine,  and  tosses  it  offiy     < 
Ha  !  that's  by  no  means  a  bad  glass  of  wine;  a  little  doctored,  per-     *^ 
haps,  but  as  sherries  go,  a  very  passable  wine  !     Come,  take  a  glass, 
Barkins  ;  it  won't  hurt  you.     {Offers  glass.) 

Bar.     Thank  you,  sir.  —  {Asid^.)     Now,  this  is  cool ! 

Plum.     With  your  permission,  I'll  ring  for  a  biscuit.    {Rings,  l.  h.) 

Enter  Wiggins,  d.  l.  h.  3  e. 
Let  us  have  a  biscuit  or  two,  Susan  ;  don't  send  out,  if  you  haven't 
any  in  the  house  ;  a  crust  of  bread  will  do  —  be  quick  !  , 

Wig,     {Aside.)     Well,   I'm  sure !  he's  so  impudent,  master  must  LJtfij 
owe  him  something.  —  {Alottd.)     Directly,  sir!     {Exit,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.)  Vwi 

Plum,     Is  Miss  Honiton  at  home  at  the  present  moment  ?  '*»^^" 

Bar,     Yes  ;  if  you'll  excuse  me  for  a  few  minutes,  I'll  send  her  to  ^, 
entertain  yoxi,  while  I  write  one  or  two  letters,  to  save  post.  ^^j 

Plum.     Do  so,  my  dear  sir  ;  I  see  we've  half  an  hour  to  spare.  ^^ 

{Exit  Barkins,  d.  r.  h.  3  e.)       v«£» 
The  old  fogy  has  money  ;  I'd  swear  it.     Humph  !  we  must  see  what 
Jessy  Honiton's  like.     Hang  it,   I'm  afraid  I'm  hardly  cured  of  my 
bashfulncss  yet.     AVhat  the  deuse  shall  I  say  to  her  ?     Well,  I'll  fol- 
low my  old  governor's  advice  — 

Enter  Wiggins,  with  biscuits,  dessert  plates,  and  small  salver,  b.  l.  u,  ?  b, 

—  and  put  a  bold  front  on  matters ;  besides,  it's  very  well  known  ihat 
s  ?  .  the  bolder  the  man  is,  the  more  he  pleases  the  women.  {Advance*  to- 
">X^  ^  ioards  her.)     Susan,  you're  by  no  means  ugly.     If  your  nose  was  a 

little  less  developed,  and  you  could  remove  those  freckles,  you'd  be 

rather  the  touch. 

Win.     (K.)      My  name's  not  Susan,  sir ;    it's  Mary.  —  {Asidh.) 

What  impudence  ! 

Plum.     {Aitetnpting  to  put  his  arm  abotit  her  waist.)    Well,  it  shan't 

te  Susan,  if  you  don't  like  it.     {Attempts  to  kiss  her.) 


COOL   AS   A    CUCUMBER.  9 

•  Enter  Miss  Jessy  Hoxiton,  d.  3  e.  ji.  h. 

(Seeing  Miss  Hoxiton-,  he  pretends  to  he  looking  at  Wiggixs's  tooth.')  It 
won't  hurt ;  pray  let  me  see  it.  I,  I  should  recommend  vegetable  stojh 
ping.  —  (  To  Miss  Hoxiton  —  crosses  c.)  Yojir  very  humble  servant, 
Miss  Honiton  ;  you  will  excuse  the  Hberty  I  have  taken  of  examin- 
ing a  tooth  of  your  servant's  that  troubles  her.  ,t      t 

Wig.     {Aside.)     "What  a  wicked  man  !  (^Exit,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.)  ^(AOMf^ 

Jessy.  {Sits.)  I  shouhl  thank  you,  on  the  contrary,  sir.  I  am 
deputed  by  my  uncle  to  receive  you  during  his  absence.  I  am  afraid 
I  have  little  to  ojffer  you.  There  are  some  pretty  things  in  the  Book 
of  Beauty. 

Plum.    Yourportrait  then,  I  presume.  —  (Aside.)   That's  the  style ! 

Jessij.     O,  sir  !     {Aside.)     I  don't  like  his  manner. 

rium.  Your  uncle,  I  presume,  has  told  you  that  I  have  lately  ar- 
rived from  Germany,  and  that  I  there  became  acquainted  with  your 
cousin.  He's  a  funny  fellow  —  told  me  the  drollest  things  about  an 
engagement  of  his  —  read  me  some  of  the  young  lady's  letters  — ha, 
ha  !  what  rubbish  they  can  write,  to  be  sure ! 

Jessy.  {Rising.)  Mr.  Plumper  !  —  {Aside.)  It  is  so  then  !  I  am 
^ow  the  sport  for  his  jests  !  But  I  will  learn  all,  and  if ,  as  I  have 
too  much  cause  to  fear,  he  has  yielded  to  his  father's  counsels,  I  will 
bear  this  weight  of  misery  no  longer.  Dependence  is,  indeed,  a 
hard  condition ! 

Plum.  {Aside.)  What  the  dense  is  she  mumbling  about  ?  "Why, 
she's  almost  crying  !  I've  said  nothing  to  vex  her  ;  I  must  wait  till 
she  has  finished,  I  suppose.  There's  no  understanding  women  — 
Greek's  ABC,  compared  to  them.  {Goes  to  table,  pours  out  wine^ 
and  eats  biscuit.) 

Jessy,  (r.,  tcith  affected  composure.)  Was  Mr.  Frederick  Barkins 
in  perfect  health,  when  you  last  saw  him  ?     {Sits.) 

Plum,  (l.)  His  animal  spirits  were  wonderful  !  He  was  a  great 
favorite  on  board  the  boat ;  and  he  had  the  finest  cigars,  in  the  pret- 
tiest cigar  case  in  the  world  —  evidently  worked  by  some  fair  hand  — 
he  said  by  the  writer  of  the  letters. 

Jessy.     {Aside.)     Cruel  Frederick ! 

Plum.  {Aside.)  I've  seen  plainer  girls!  I  wonder  how  much 
the  old  imcle  would  stand  ?  In  these  times,  one  must  make  up  one's 
mind  to  go  at  an  enormous  sacrifice.  How  to  begin  ?  The  best  way's 
to  tumble  head  over  heels  into  the  matter  at  once  !  —  (Aloud.)  Hem  ! 
You  look  sad,  Miss  Honiton —  you  are  hungry,  perhaps.  {Looking 
at  tvatch.)  Your  cook  is  not  very  punctual  —  if  you  will  allow  me, 
I'll  ring  and  hasten  the  luncheon.     {Rings.) 

Jessy.     You  are  very  kind,  sir. 

Plum.  Don't  mention  it,  Miss  Honiton.  —  {Aside.)  We're  coming 
fc,  -o  the  point !       -Q  a^<^  s,    V«*U6^    f^  I  i^ 

Enter  Wiggins,  d.  3  e.  l.  h.  ^ 
U  y  .vir  t(.'Oth  better,  Mary  r 

Wig.     Yes,  ploar:e,  sir.  —  Did  you  ting,  miss  ? 

Plum.  No  !  /  rong,  to  hasten  the  luncheon  ;  it's  after  the  houx, 
vou  know. 

Wig.  Just  ready,  sir.  -  -  {Aside.)  Well,  he's  the  coolest  gentlema» 
I  ever  saw !  {Exit,  d.  3  e-  l.  n.^ 


IC  OOOL   AS   A    CteUMSEB. 

rium.     (Sits.)     You  offer  me  the  Book  of  Beauty  there,  b<)uni«o| 
upon  the  table,  when  I  see  the  fairest  page  of  that  precious  volume,  ^ 
instinct  with  life,  before  me.     Ah,  Cupid,  Cupid  !    you're  a  second 
Tell,  and  I'm  but  a  pippin  ! 

Jessi/.     (Ilaughtihj.)     I  don't  understand  you,  sir  ! 

Plum.  {Aside.')  Wants  to  draw  me  out  —  no,  no,  prudence  whis- 
pers an  interview  with  old  Barkins  first;  but  I'll  just  try  my  power. 

—  (Aloud.)  Pair  Miss  Iloniton,  as  the  particular  friend  of  your  cousin 

—  (Sniffs.)  Pooh  !  what  a  smell  of  onions  !  They're  cooking  ducks, 
eh  r  "°TVymr  sly  rogue,  won't  teti^  eh  ?  —  (Aloud.)  As  I  was  about  to 
o!>scrve  —  let  me,  as  the  particular  friend  of  your  cousm —  deputed, 
as  I  may  say,  by  him,  almost  as  himself,  let  me  reverently  —  (is  abou, 
to  take  Iter  hand ;  she  rises.) 

Enter  Barkins,  d.  r.  h.  1  e.,  who  affects  not  to  have  sem  thetn. 

Bar.  (Aside.)  He's  not  a  backward  suitor  at  any  rate  !  I  won- 
der what  the  fellow's  prospects  are  !  -r-  (Aloud.)  My  dear,  see  to  this 
»uncheon  at  once,  will  you  ? 

Plum.     Allow  me.    (Hands  her  to  door.  —  Exit  Jessy,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.)  ^ 
Your  niece  is  far  from  ugly,  let  me  tell  j'ou  ;  she's  not  quite  plump  I 
enough,  perhaps.     To  be  plain,   old  Barkins  —  in  speech  I  mean,  of  " 
course,  because,  personally,  as  you  will  have  perceived,  it  would  be 
impossible  —  should  I  be  —  that  is  to  say,  of  course  I  should  be  ac- 
cepted, were  I  to  propose  to  your  niece ;  it  would  be  false  modesty 
-in  me  to  doubt  that  for  one  moment. 

Bar.  (r.)  I  will  be  candid  with  you,  Mr.  Plumper  ;  though  our 
acquaintance  is  of  so  very  recent  a  date,  I  will  tell  you  at  once  thtt 
Miss  Honiton  is  her  own  mistress.     I'm  a  man  of  the  world,  sir 

Plum.     (L.,  aside.)     Now  for  a  piece  of  rascality,  of  course ! 

Bar.  And  do  not  scruple  to  tell  you  that  my  niece  may  marry 
any  body  whom  she  may  choose  —  a  hippogrifF,  Avere  she  to  take  a 
fancy  for  one ! 

Plum.    That's  liberal ;  as  your  son  has  it,  "  deused  liberal "  !     Not 
that  I  can  have  any  matrimonial  intentions  on  such  a  very  slight  ac- 
quaintance ;  but  I  always  like  to  be  on  the  safe  side  of  matters.     Ex 
perience  has  made  me  rather  cautious. 

Bar.     Indeed ! 

Phim.  Yes,  indeed.  I've  had  terrible  losses.  Why,  1  lost  a  clear 
thirty  thousand  last  week  ! 

^ar.     (Aside.)    A  gambler  !  —  (Aloud.)    Indeed !  how  so  ? 

Plum.  How  so  ?  why,  went  to  a  friend's  party,  to  be  introduced 
to  an  heiress ;  gave  five  pounds  for  a  handkerchief,  and  four  poimda 
for  et  cetcras  on  the  occasion,  and  she  didn't  come.  She  was  Avorth 
thirty  thousand  pounds  ;  I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  have  her ;  so, 
as  I  tell  you,  I  was  a  cool  thirty  thousand  out  of  pocket  by  the  trans- 
action, 'a  fortune  of  tRe'most  gigantic  amount  couldn't  stand  such 
severe  clipping  ! 

Bar.  A  terrible  niisfortime,  certainly !  —  (Aside.)  What  marvel- 
loiis  assurance ! 

Plum.  1  say,  I  should  like  to  wash  ray  hands.  Perhaps  you  will 
be  gooil  enough  to  show  nic  tlie  way  to  your  room.  Send  me  some 
hot  water  and  a  clean  towel,  and  tell  your  cook  not  to  serve  up  till 
I'm  quite  ready. 


f^^U^J^  re^  ^ /j^^-B 


ir-^ 


Bar.  (JsiV/e.)  "Well,  Frederick  has  certain  y  sent  home  a  curious 
q)ecimen  !  —  {Aloud,)  With  much  pleasure,  Mr.  Plumper  —  this 
way  !     {Jndicating  d.  l.  1  e.") 

Plum,  {As  thetj  are  going.')  I  take  light  wine ;  and  pray  let  the 
plates  be  hot !  1  can  eat  only  French  mustard  —  and  —  and  —  let 
every  thing  be  well  seasoned  !  {Exit,  d.  1  e.  l.  h.)  :^,^. 

Bar,  Well,  this  may  be  German  bashfulness,  but  in  my  opinion 
it's  more  like  English  imprudence!  {Exit,  d.  1  e.  l.  h>) 

Jessy.  The  struggle  is  past ;  I  am  resolute,  and  will  not  oe  deterred, 
nor  pause  in  the  execution  of  my  design !  Despised  by  him,  and 
sneered  at  and  trampled  upon  by  his  father  !  O  !  pride,  pri^.  sup- 
port me  !  As  a  governess  I  shall,  at  least,  be  left  to  myself,  ifjr  have 
to  thank  my  bitterest  enemy  for  my  bread  ! 

Enter  WiGoniS,  d.  l.  ii.  3  e. 

Wig.     Luncheon's  ready,  miss  ! 

Jessy,  Mary,  tell  your  master  that  I  am  unwell,  and  shall  not  ht 
at  the  table  to-day. 

Wig,     {Aside.)     Another  fib  !     My  wages  must  be  raised  if  this    f       I 
goes  on  !  —  (Aloztd.)     Very  well,  miss  !  {Exit,  j>.  i>.  h.  3  e.)  l^^f^*^ 

Jessy.     It's  a  mockery  to  make  a  secret  of  my  Sight !     Who  would  ycjt/^ 
hinder  me  ?    Yet  they  shall  not  know  where  I  am  gone ;  at  least,     v    -^ 
they  shall  not  watch  my  WTCtched  hours.     {Places  a  bundle  of  letters   ^  O 
on  the  table.)     There  are  Frederick's   letters  !     He  will  know   how 
well  I  can  repay  his  coldness  !     And  now  I  am  free  —  free  —  to  die 
without  a  friend  !  {Exit,  D.  is,  h.  3  e.) 

Enter  Wiaaixs,  d.  l.  h.  3  e. 

Wig.     This  Mr.  Plumper  is  a  cool   gentleman !     He's  making   s 

good  luncheon,  however.     Poor  master  got  scarcely  any  thing ;  and 

If  he  doesn't   have  his  nap  afterwards,  there'll  be  no  bearing  him, 

{Bell  rings.)     That's  to  clear  away.  {Exit,  J>.  i/.  h.  3  y..)'^' 

Enter  Fuederick  Barking,  e,  d.,  catetiousiy. 
Fred.    So,  here's  the  old  room  again  !     I  wonder  whether  the  old  Un^Gf^^ 
boy's  at  home.     I  shall  be  ruined  if  he  sees  me  !     {Sees  letters  on  the  r 

table.)  Stay,  I  know  that  handwriting  !  {Reads.)  "  For  !Mr.  Fred- 
erick Barkins,  from  ISIiss  Honiton."  What  can  this  mean  ?  Jessy ! 
Jessy  !  have  I  stolen  back  from  Germany  for  this  ?  Has  she  forsaken 
me  —  or  is  this  my  father's  handiwork  ?  Pshaw  !  perhaps  it's  only 
carelessness ;  she  has  even  now  left  the  room ;  and  I,  who  lost  the 
cigar  case  she  gave  me  on  the  Bhine,  mustn't  complain  of  careless- 
ness. I'll  ring,  at  all  hazards,  and  know  the  worst  at  once  ;  and  yet 
I  scarcely  have  courage  to  brave  the  paternal  thunder,  especially  as  I 
have  drawn  upon  the  paternal  banker's  account  to  a  considerable  ex- 
ent.  Softly !  I  hear  a  man's  footsteps.  I  must  find  a  hiding- 
place  !  {Passes  out,  c.  D.,  as  Plumper  enters,  d.il.  h.  1  e.,  who  sees 
him  and  runs  after  him.) 

Plum.  What!  a  man  retreating?  By  Jove!  this*  looks  siis 
picious  !  {Calling.)  You  sir  !  you  sir  !  (Drags  him  back.)  Nc,  no, 
jou  don't  escape,  my  fine  fellow  I     Where's  my  umbrella  r 


12  COOL  AS   A   CUCCMBEE. 

Fred.  (R.>  releasing  himself.)  Sir,  ycu  will  ansTrer  me  for  thil 
aflfront ! 

Plum,  (l.)  Ay  !  most  probably  before  twelve  highly  respectable 
tradesmen.  You'd  better  empty  your  pockets  at  once,  and  confess, 
and  then  we  may,  in  our  royal  clemency,  be  lenient. 

Fred.     Impertinent  puppy ! 

Plum.  This  is  no  matter  of  mine,  my  fine  fellow ;  so  I'll  ring,  and 
hand  you  over  to  the  proper  authorities.  (J*ulUng  him  towards  d.l.h.) 

Fred.    For  Heaven's  sake,  sir,  desist ! 

Plum.  Desist  ?  Not  I !  no,  no ;  I've  caught  you  in  the  act,  and 
Bhall  faithfully  deliver  you  over  to  the  master  of  the  house.  What ! 
you  are  not  guilty.  Then,  pray,  whose  are  these  ?  (^Snatches  letters 
from  Frederick's  bosom.)  Directed  to  the  lady  of  the  house  !  Why, 
what  a  sentimental  housebreaker  !  (Frederick  rushes  at  Plumper, 
and  snatches  at  the  letters  ;  Plumper  grasps  the  hell-rope,  on  l.  h.) 

Fred.     Cowardly  ruffian ! 

Plum.  I'll  send  the  servants  for  a  policeman ;  I  wouldn't  trust 
Tou  for  another  ten  minutes  out  of  handcuffs,  for  a  trifle  ! 

Fred.  {Aside.)  I  can't  stand  tliis;  I  should  strangle  the  fellow  ! 
--  {Aloud.)     Sir,  I  have  never  before  seen  your  face  ! 

Plum.  An  assertion  I  am  by  no  means  anxious  to  contradict. 
-*•  (Aside.)    This  comes  of  affability  to  the  lower  orders. 

Fred.  And  consequently  cannot  know  on  what  terms  of  intimacy 
you  may  be  with  my  father. 

Plum.  Why,  if  he  be  one  of  your  own  profession,  I  think  I  may 
Bay,  with  some  degree  of  confidence,  that  we  have  never  been  even 
introduced  to  one  another.  He  doubtless  belongs  to  that  class  of 
gentry  denominated  in  our  police  reports  **  light-fingered." 

Fred.    Would  you  insult  him  in  his  own  house  ? 

Plum.  What  \  You  don't  mean  to  tell  me  he  has  had  the  au- 
dacity to  break  in  on  the  ground  floor,  in  broad  daylight  ? 

Fred.     {Passionately.)     Sir  !  I  am  the  son  of  Mr.  Barkins !     Now, 

are  j-ou  satisfied  ! 

jt^ .         Plum.     Satisfied  of  this  —  that  you  are  the  coolest,  most  undaunt- 

^^     ed,  and  impudent  thief  that  ever  handled  skeletons.     You  Mr.  Bar- 

^^''   kins's  son  !     Pshaw  !  you'd  better  try  another  tack.     But  why  do  I 

talk  with  a  low  fellow  ?     {Goes  towards  bell,  L.  h.) 

Fred.  {Desperately  seizing  his  arm.)  Hold,  sir  !  and  hsten  !  It 
Btrikes  me  that  you  are  the  lawless  intruder,  and  that  I  have  only  to 
make  known  your  presence  here,  to  send  you  to  secure  quarters  foi 
some  time  to  come.     {Going  —  Plumper  stops  him.) 

Plum.     Now,  upon  my  word,  this  is  amusing. 

Fred.  I  am,  I  repeat  it,  the  son  of  Mr.  Barkins ;  have  just  re- 
turned from  the  Rhine. 

Plum.  Ha,  ha  !  very  clever  !  so  have  I.  No  !  that  will  not  do  ; 
try  again. 

Fred.  But  have  returned  without  his  permission,  and  dare  not 
make  myself  kno-wn. 

Plum.    That's  the  most  likely  part  of  your  history. 

Fred.  I  must  restrain  my  temper,  since  I  am  in  your  hands  —  at 
your  mercy.  An  attachment  for  my  cousin,  which  ray  father  has 
forbidden,  and  to  cme  which  he  sent  me  away,  has  made  me  retura 
t9  my  home  thus  secretly  ;  thus,  as  you  say,  like  a  felon. 


l^^^'T^^^C, 


COOL   AS   A   CrCUMBEB.  IS 

PltHf.  Ha,  J. a  very  like — very  like!  so  like  that  there's  nc 
taking  y^  for  *ny  thing  else. 

Fred.  1  care  not  for  yovir  foolish  jests,  sir  ;  I  only  trust  you  may 
be  able  to  account  for  yourself  as  honorably  as  I. 

Plum.  {Aside.}  That's  delicious  !  there's  assurance !  If  I  could 
only  take  a  le?8on  from  him !  but  no,  it's  born  with  people.  —  (Aloud.) 
I  tell  you  what  it  is,  sir,  though  there's  not  the  slightest  doubt  of 
your  being  a  consummate  scoundrel- 

Fred.     (Anide.)     I  shall  choke  the  brute ! 

Plum.  Yet  you're  not  without  a  rude  sagacity  and  ready  wit, 
which  please  me.  Now,  I  teU  you  what  I'll  do  with  you  ;  I'll  secure 
you  in  a  cabinet  just  beyond  this  room,  and  tell  your  ingenious  story 
to  Mr.  Barkins,  your  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  your  father.  If  he  choose  to  let 
a  man  of  your  desperate  character  off,  well  and  good.  /  shall  have 
no  more  to  say  on  the  subject. 

Fred.  I  assent  to  your  proposal. —  {Aside.')  It's  my  only  chance 
of  escape.  If  the  governor  should  see  me,  he  wouldn't  allow  mc 
another  sixpence  ;  and  as  for  poor  Jessy 

Plum.     Here  comes  Mr.  Barldns  !  this  way  —  quick  ! 

Enter  BarkIxs,  d.  l.  n.  3  e.,  yaivning,  and  with  a  handkerchi^  ovat 
his  head. 
Bar.  I  wonder  where  this  Mr.  Plumper  is '  O  !  I  dare  say  h« 
has  gone  to  give  directions  for  dinner  ;  he  certainly  is  cool.  If  it  was 
not  on  Frederick's  account  I'd  kick  him  out  of  the  house.  Hang 
that  Jessy,  too  !  another  freak  in  her  head !  It  was  an  unfortunate 
day  when  I  located  her  in  my  house.  WJio'll  marry  hei*  ?  except 
that  fool  of  a  boy  of  mine ! 

Enter  Plumper,  d.  k.  h.  I  e.     He  ovci'hears  Barkixs. 
She  hasn't  a  penny,  nor  won't  have  from  me. 

Plum,  (l.,  aside,)  That's  a  settler  !  Adieu,  fair  Honiton  ;  my 
heart  is  broken.  —  {Aloud.)  "Well,  Mr.  Barkins,  how  are  you  by  this 
time  ?  {Throws  himself  upon  sofa.)  Do  you  take  coffee  about  this  time  ? 

Bar.     (r.)     Not  usually  before  dinner. 

Plum.  Bless  my  soul !  Now,  do  you  know  I  never  think  I  have 
lunched  without  I  have  ray  coffee,  and  my  chasse  caf&.  I  got  the 
habit  in  Paris,  and  it  has  stuck  to  me. 

Bar.  {Aside.)  That's  not  bad.  —  {Ahud.)  "Would  you  like  a  cuj* 
now,  Mr.  Plumper  ?     It  can  be  made  instantly. 

Plum.  Ay,  if  it's  not  troubling  you.  It  must  be  strong,  or  it's  an 
abomination. 

Bar,     {Ringi.) 

Enter  Wiggins,  d.  l.  h.  3  e. 
Wiggins,  make  a  cup  of  coffee  as  quickly  as  possible  for  Mr.  Plumper- 

Plum.  Yes  ;  and,  "Wiggins,  I  don't  want  much  —  not  a  pailful  —  I 
jnly  require  a  small  cup  ;  but  it  must  be  good  and  quite  hot.  Brin^ 
also  a  small  glass  of  cogmac.  {Exit  Wiggins,  d.  3  e.  l.  h.) 

Bar.     {Aside.)     Curse  his  impertinence ! 

Plum.     {Taking  out  cigars.)     Bo  you  smoke? 

Bar.     No,  I  thank  you,  sir. 


14  COOL    AS    A    CrCUMBER. 

Plum.  You'll  excuse  me,  as  there  are  no  laaes  with  as.  You 
see  smoke  is  as  needful  to  me,  I  may  say,  as  air  ind  food ;  in  fact,  I 
believ^  I  was  brought  up  upon  tobacco  water,  ana  weaned  upo  i  che- 
roots, (^Ldghts  cigai\  looking  round.)  You've  gof  old  curtains,  I  see; 
the  smoke  can't  hurt  them.  What  I  can  see /of  them,  the  soonei 
they  are  smoked  out  the  better.  Now,  my  good  friend  Barkins,  I've 
rather  a  droll  story  to  tell  you  ;  pray  be  scated.JL  I  need  scarcely  in- 
form you  that  I  left  you  fast  asleep  just  no^^^A^^  the  drawing  room. 
Without  pausing  to  pass  anj'  severe  reflections  upon  such  a  breach 
of  good  manners,  I  will  at  once  tell  you  that  I  thought  I  would  take 
a  stroll  over  the  premises.  It's  a  deused  inconvenient  house,  by  the 
way  —  and  —  and  —  where's  your  wine  cellar  ?  I  should  say  not  far 
from  the  kitchen  oven,  by  the  wine.  It  must  be  very  convenient  for 
keeping  a  constant  supply  of  mulled  claret  and  port. 

Bar.     My  good  sir ! 

Plum.  Pray  do  not  interrupt  me  !  There's  a  housebreaker  in  the 
house. 

Bar.     Good  Heavens,  Mr.  Plumper ! 

Bnter  Wiggins,  d.  l.  h.  .3  e.,  with  coffee,  xchich  she  places  upon  table^ 
near  the  head  of  the  sofa,  and  exits,  D.  l.  h.  3  E. 

Plum.  (Deliberatehj  stirring  and  sipping  coffee,  and  synoking.') 
There's  nothing  to  be  alarmed  at  —  I've  secured  him  in  your  bed  room. 

Bar.  You  alarm  me,  sir  !  —  pray  speak  !  (Frederick  appears 
listening  at  c.  doors.) 

Plum.  Wait  a  minute ;  my  throat's  dry.  (Sips  coffee.)  Well, 
now,  make  yourself  comfortable  ;  he  hasn't  run  away  with  youi 
pretty  niece. 

Bar.     {Aside.)     I'm  afraid  not. 

Plum.  Come,  you  shall  have  the  matter  in  a  few  words.  When 
I  came  into  tliis  room,  about  half  an  hour  ago,  I  saw  two  coat  tails 
disappearing  through  yonder  door,  and  at  once  suspecting  —  for  I  am 
a  shrewd  fellow,  when  I  like  —  that  there  might  possibly  be  a  man  at- 
tached to  the  said  coat  tails,  I  gave  chase,  and  dragged  back  a  surly, 
ill -looking,  pig-headed  fellow,  (Frederick  shakes  his  fst  at  back,) 
who,  by  his  looks,  hasn't  been  many  weeks  from  Brixton,  and  under- 
stands cylindrical  motion  perfectly,  I  should  say.  Well,  as  you  may 
guess,  my  presence  —  which  is  any  thing  but  unimposing,  they  tell 
me  —  awed  him. 

Bar.     Did  he  carry  arms  ? 

Plum.  I  can't  say  !  He  is  still  in  the  house,  however,  and  the 
f*'.t  can  easily  be  ascertained. 

Bar.     I  must  call  in  the  police  —  zounds  !  we  shall  be  murdered  ! 

Plum.  Gently,  my  good  sir,  gently ;  he  can't  escape.  /  felt  almost 
inclined  to  pardon  the  rogue,  for  his  keen  humor.  Ha,  ha  !  he  was 
#ideviits1i  ready  !  The  assurance,  too,  with  which  he  told  his  story, 
was  wonderful  —  wonderful !  at  least  to  me  ;  but  then  that  may  be 
my  unhappy  bashfulness.  Now,  to  you,  I  dare  say,  he  would  not 
have  appeanid  so  very  self-possessed !  but  I  must  tell  you  his  stcry. 
He  said  —  ha,  ha !  —  that  he  M'as  your  son,  just  returned  from  the 
Rhine,  in  disguise,  to  carry  on  a  secret  flirtation  with  your  niece.  In 
procjf  of  his  assertion,  he  had  a  bundle  of  letters,  which  I  snatched  from 
uira.     The  joke  of  it  is,  tha!  the  fellow's  no  more  like  your  son  Frjpd'  ^ 


(/O  144^^^"^    ^^r<-diJi^  <A^^^ 


COOL    J&   A   CUCVRBEK.  10 

eHck  than.  I'm  like  you ;  besides,  the  letters  are  lirec  ted  all  frotn 
Germany,  to  Miss  Honiton  —  here  they  are.     (Gives  them.) 

Bar.  (^Aside.)  This  is  my  son's  handwriting,  witL  the  Rhine  post- 
mark, too! — directed  to  Jessy!  (Fkedekick  gesticulates  from  Uu 
back  his  despair.^ 

Plum.  Don't  excite  yourself ;  take  it  coolly  !  At  your  time  of  life 
a  man  should  be  careful.  However,  it's  a  family  matter  —  I'll  not 
interfere.     (  Takes  neiospaper  —  reads.) 

Bar.     {Aside.')     The  double-faced  rascal,  I'll 

Plum.  Why,  Bar  kins  senior,  didn't  I  hear  you  mention  the  Hon- 
orable Miss  Dumpstcad  at  dinnen  as  a  personal  friend  of  yours  ? 

Bar.     You  did,  Mr.  Plumper. 

Plum,  Well,  then,  let  us  drink  to  her  health  and  happiness — his 
name  isn't  euphonious  —  no,  if  I  Avere  choosing  a  new  name,  I  cer- 
tainly shouldn't  pick  out  Snigglesnift'en  ! 

Bar.     Drink  her  health  !     I  don't  understand  you,  Mr.  Plumper.  ^ 

Plum.  Then  I'll  read  you  the  paragraph.  (Reads.)  "  On  th^ 
tenth  instant,  at  Magna  Charta  Park,  the  seat  of  the  lovely  and  ac- 
complished lady's  father,  the  Honorable  Miss  Elizabeth  Dumpstead 
was  married  to  the  Count  Snigglesniffen  —  the  happy  couple  left  for 
the  Rhine  in  the  afternoon."  ^^ 

Fred.     (At  back.)     Hurrah !  (Disappears.)     "fyiJxyi^ 

Plum.    By  the  way,  what  do  you  mean  to  do  wdth  your  son,  the  # 


housebreaker  ? 
Bar.      (Asia 
Frederick,  with  twenty  thousand  pounds  in  her  pocket !     O,  the  de 


Bar.     (Aside.)     Elizabeth  Dumpstead,  who  was  dying  for  my  boy    jL^  ^ 


pravity  of  this  world !  *.  W  ' 

Plum.    (^sj<fe.)  The  old  boy's  flurried  !  —  (^/otf<i.)    What  do  you  ^'^     \' 
mean  to  do  with  the  burglar,  Bar  kins  senior  ?     The  second  time  of 
asking. 

Bar.  (Agitated.)  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Plumper  —  Elizabeth 
Dumpstead  —  the  highwayman  —  is  a  wTetch  —  I  hope  she  may  treat 
him  — that  is  to  say,  he  may  treat  her  ill.  I'll  have  her  —  that  is  tc 
say,  him  —  locked  up ;  and  I'll  cut  his —  that  is  to  say,  her  family. 

Plum.  A  determination  very  lucidly  and  calmly  explained ;  yet 
so  dull  am  I,  sir,  that  for  the  life  of  me,  I  can't  understand  one  word 
of  the  sentence  you  have  just  uttered. 

Bar.     Sir,  I'm  distracted  —  ruined  1 

Plum.  Sorry  to  hear  it !  Look  at  me  —  it's  a  comfort  to  look  at 
me  —  you  see  I'm  cool,  a  perfect  cucumber.         . »    f^^     •■  t^  ■  ^ 

Erder  WiGGiNS,  much  at/itafed,  d.l.h.  3  E.  j  Tredeuic"Bf reappears,  CD 

Wig,     (c.)     O,  sir ! 

Bar.     (r.)     Well,  wench  ? 

Wig.     O,  please,  sir  ! 

Plum,  (v..)  You've  said  that  before,  Mary;  you'd  better  com- 
plete the  sentence  at  your  earliest  convenience. 

Wig.     Miss  Jessy,  please,  sir  !     O,  dear  me ! 

Fred.     (Aside,  at  back.)     She's  in  the  house,  then  r 

Bar.     WeU,  girl,  what's  the  matter  with  Miss  Jessy  ?     Speak  f 

Plum.  Has  the  damp  brought  her  hair  out  of  curl  ?  Pray,  let  mm 
know  the  worst! 

Wig.    She's  bolted! 


jir^. 


16  COOL  AS    A    CUCUMBElt. 

Plum.    TV' hat! 

Fnd.     {Aside,  at  hack.)    Gone  ! 

Wig.    Yes,  sir,  she's  gone  away  for  good,  and  she  shall  never  le  backs 
but  she  has  left  a  letter  for  master  upon  her  dressing  table. 
Bar.    The  ungrateful  hussy !    Take  care  of  the  housebreaker ! 


{Exit  precipitately, fi.  TX.n.  3  E.) 
Plum.    Make  yourself  easy,  Mary ;  I'll  take  care  of  you  !  *vv|^.XJ 


{Jbxit  precipitately,^,  v..  n.  6  a.)  ■ 

Fred.    I'll  know  all      {Rushes  oj',  c.  ly.)  .  oW^U^rci/Zt/ / 

Wiff.    A  housebreaker,  did  master  say  ?    O,  my  gracious  !     ^^^I'TS^fi 


Wig.  A  housebreaker  ?  O,  O !  {Pretends  to  faint ;  fali*  tipon  th* 
sofa.)  .      f 

Plum.  The  deep  wretch  —  she  saw  the  w<>6^  Well,  1  suppose  I 
must  give  it  to  her.  {Gives  her  brandy/.)  Come,  for  a  person  in  a  swoon 
she  has  got  a  goo3.  color !  I  wonder  whether  she  is  cold  !  ^iiatv  kirr)' 
No,  no  !  come,  Mary,  Mary !  this'll  not  do  !  Sit  up  —  sit  up !  {Puis  hit 
arm  round  her  waist,  and  tries  to  raise  her. ) 

Wig.     {Fai?ithj.)    "Where  am  I  ?    Take  care  of  my  cap  ! 

£nUr  Barkins,  %mpejveived,with  a  letter^  his  hand,  D.  R.  H.  3  E. 

Why,  in  tho  arms  of  your  devoted  admirer  !    VMiere  would  you  be  ? 

Wig.  {Perceiving  JjARKINS.)  Master!  {iStarts  up  and  adjusts  her 
dress.) 

Phi:n.  Tl'sjbettcr  now  —  eh,  Mary  ?  you'd  better  have  it  out.  (WiG- 
Gixs  n:;}-  out',iy.  L.  H.  1  r,.) 

Bar.    You're  a  very  affectionate  and  sympathetic  dentist,  Mr.  Plumper  ! 

Plum,     ^iilhi  tu  BjLii.'Qja^ — Wa'rc  men  of  tho  worId,.i^arliiu3  ,  titry 

jJm^  1 IiIjtIiij     ii}'Ott  uiidorotand  moji't  {Goes  up  and  loolcs  from  win 

doxjo,  L.  H.  2  E.) 

Bar.    I'm  dumb  with  astonishment !    As  for  Miss  Jessy,  I'll 

Plum.  By  Jove !  there's  the  housebreaker  below,  brandishing  his  anna 
to  3Iiss  Jessy.  Hang  it !  he's  dragging  her  up  here  !  Be  on  your  guard, 
Barkins ;  here  he  comes,  dragging  her  after  him !  Now,  as  they  pass,  we 
must  be  upon  them!  "A  British  female  in  distress  ?  " — to  arms.  Bar- 
kins,  to  arms  !     {Seizes  a  chair,  and  stands  in  attitude  of  defence.) 

Bar.  {Takes  poker  from  fireplace,  and  going  towards  L.  D.  3  E.)  Down 
with  the  r  iscal ! 

Enter  Frederick,  leading  on  Jessy,  d.  l.  h.  3  e. 

Plum.    Now  then,  Barkins,  are  you  ready  ? 

Bar.    (Dropping  poker.)     Frederick ! 

Plum.  Where's  your  courage,  Barkins  ?  Take  care  of  your  pockets, 
Miss  Hoiiton. 

Fi'ed.  Sir,  Miss  Iloniton  has  informed  me  of  your  impudent  impos- 
ture, and  the  first  act  I  shall  perform,  now  that  I  am  in  the  presence  of 
my  father,  is  to  rid  his  house  of  a  barefaced  adventurer. 

Plum,  (c, /o  Barkins.)  Do  you  hear  him  ?  Ha,  ha!  —  (ToFred., 
advanciv^  towards  him.)  Now,  to  be  serious,  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  my 
fine  fello^- ! 

Bar.  Mr.  Plumper,  you  are  addressing  my  —  I  am  ashamed  to  say  it 
—  my  son. 

Plum.    Yoar  eon !  not  the  same  I  met  on  the  Rhine  ? 

Fred.  (2b  Parkins.)  And  wherefore  ashamed,  sir  ?  I  have  a  right 
to  ask,  wherefore  ashamed  ? 

Plum.  {Aside.)  His  son !  what,  the  burglar !  he  must  have  two  sons, 
then  !  this  is  decidedly  not  the  fellow  I  met  on  the  Rhine.  —  {To  Fred.) 
Pluckily  spoken !  —  {To  Barkins.)    The  boy's  right,  Barkins  senior. 

Bar.  (J'oFi.ED.)  I  tell  you  trhat  it  is,  Frederick.  This  gentleman 
has  told  me  that  to  him,  who  was  alm'^st  £  stranger  to  you,  you  talked  in 
the  most  stupid,  lov^ick  tone  fif — weii,  lincc  ^liss  Haniton  courts  pub- 


COOL  AS   A   CUCUMBER.  17 

licity,  she  must  not  blame  me  for  my  bluntness  — in  uhort,  of  your  cousin 
Jessy. 

Fred.  Permit  me  to  say,  that  I  have  never  seen  th^s  person  —  this  Mr. 
Plumper  — before  in  my  life,  and  that  if  he  told  you 

Plum.  Gently,  good  sir ;  gen-Hy.  I  will  spare  you  a  further  syllable.  — 
(To  Barkins.)  I  never  saw  this  person,  whom  you  own  as  your  son,  be- 
fore, in  the  whole  checkered  covjse  of  my  existence.  I've  had  my  misfor- 
tunes, certainly ;  but  this  has  not  been  one  of  them.  This  son  is  doubt- 
less the  brother  of  the  gentleman  whose  acquaintaRce  I  had  the  honor  of 
making  on  the  Rhine. 

Bar.  (Passionately  to  Plumper.)  Sir !  I  begin  to  think  I  have  been 
egregiously  humbugged.    I  have  only  one  son,  and  he  stands  before  you. 

Plum.  Why  fly  into  a  passion,  sir  ?  You  have  not  been  contradicted. 
Who  said  that  you  had  not  been  egregiously  humbugged  ?  I'm  sure  /  did 
not  —  did  I,  Barkins  junior  ?  —  {Aside.)  Now,  I  see  it  all  —  the  mist  is 
clearing  from  my  eyes  ;  yes,  that  must  be  it !  ha,  ha !  {Bursts  into  a  loua 
Jit  of  lattffhter.)    riwi^li  good !     Capital ! 

Ired.    Sir.  this  is  no  tme  for  equivocation  and  laughter. 

Plum.    I  agree  with  you  entirely  —  yet  it's  so  deviMrti  funny. 

Fred.  To  be  brief,  can  you  explain  your  very  questionable  proceedings 
In  this  house  ? 

Plum.  In  a  few  words.  I  went  abroad  a  few  years  since,  to  cure  my- 
self of  a  constitutional,  almost  morbid  sh}Tie'^s,  as  your  father  will  tell 
you  —  though  I  am  sure  he  has  done  his  utmost  to  put  me  at  my  ease; 
well,  to  return  to  the  Rhine.  On  the  boat  I  met  an  individual,  who, 
struck  with  my  bearing,  entered  into  conversation  with  me,  and  offered 
me  one  of  the  finest  cigars  I  have  ever  tasted ;  by  the  way,  do  you  smoke  r 

Fred.    Proceed,  sir ! 

Plum.  I  don't  wonder  at  your  anger ;  you're  a  little  sore  about  the  bur- 
5lury  business,  eh  ?  Ha,  ha !  Now  I  understand  all  about  the  letters, 
you  rogue.  Well,  to  proceed  with  my  explanation.  Upon  his  cigar  case 
was  worked  in  large  characters,  and  blue  silk,  —  evidently  by  a  tender  fe- 
male hand,  —  the  name  "  Frederick  Barkins,"  and  on  the  reverse  side,  a 
lover's  knot,  and  (/ar/e  d'amour.  The  fellow  told  me,  a  girl  who  was  sweet 
upon  him  gave  him  the  trifle ;  of  course,  I  now  see  that  this  was  only  hiy. 
brag.  His  red  hair  wasn't  your  red  hair ;  you  haven't  an  impediment  in 
your  left  eye.  I  was  passing  this  way  this  morning  —  saw  "  Barkins  "  on 
the  brass  plate  —  thought  it  must  be  a  relation  of  the  same  Barkins;  I 
knocked  —  was  admitted  —  saw  Mr.  Barkins  senior  —  told  him  that  I  had 
met  Mr.  Frederick  Barkins  on  the  Rhine  ;  it  now  appears  that  I  only  met 
his  cigar  case ;  you  kuow  the  rest. 

Jessy.    {Aside  to  Fred.)    That  was  my  present,  Frederick. 

Fred.  The  truth  is,  Mr.  Plumper,  the  cigar  case  was  not  in  the  pos 
session  of  its  la\vful  owner.  I  am  son-y  to  say  that  I  lost  it  crossing  the 
channel ;  but  I  would  give  any  money  to  have  it  returned. 

Bar.  What  would  you  give,  eh  r  How  much  ?  Suppose  I  say  yoi 
shall  not  give  a  sixpence  ?  Frederick,  you  have  played  an  underhand 
game.    And  as  for  you.  Miss  Jessy,  I 

Fred.    I  will  answer  for  her,  sir  ! 

Plum.  Quite  the  wind  up  of  a  melo-drama,  to  be  sure.  IXere,  bcx- 
keeper.  show  me  to  a  seat.     {Takes  a  chuir,  and  sits.)       i'- 

Fred.  {^To  Barkixs.)  It  is  true,  sir,  that  you  sent  me  away;  that  I 
went,  promising  —  forgive  me,  Jessy  !  —  to  forget  your  brother's  daughter. 
You  had  other  views  for  me  ;  but  they  are  now  at  an  end,  «nce  she  who 
was  to  have  conferred  wealth  and  honors  upon  me  is  wedded  to  another. 

Plum.  Wliat!  the  Honorable  Miss  Dumps?  Bravo!  bravo!  the  old 
gentleman  must  relent,  or  I,  as  one  of  the  audience,  will  not  be  satisfied. 

Fred.  (a.  c.)  Permit  me,  since  it  is  my  own  happiness  at  stake,  and 
not  yours,  to  seek  it  where  I  am  sure  I  shall  find  it  —  here.  {Takes  Jbs- 
iiy's  hand  )    Do  you  refuse  ?    No,  you  cannot ! 


Ct^(-^KAA 


vtv 


^cJiUa  OyfTHc^   ^ 


'X, 


OOOL   A«     .    OUOL'MBEK. 


l^iijfi.  Of  course  not!  This  scene's  very  '.veil  worked  u,>l  Now, 
Barkins  seuior.  perform  your  part,  after  the  approved  fashion !  Don't 
let  us  go  to  bed  to  dream  of  stony-hearted  parents  cursing  tlieir  devot- 
ed cliildren — come. 

Bar.  (l.,  to  Fred.)  Vou  have  chosen  for  yourself,  sir — chosen  f\.' 
yourself. 

Fred.     Chosen  to  be  happy,  sir. 

Bar.  Perhaps  you'll  choose  to  X:^/?  yoursalf  also,  sir ;  I  shall  mat? 
no  provision  for  you. 

Plvm.  "Why,  Barkins  senior,  you're  not  going  to  play  the  stony - 
liearted  father  of  the  olden  time  nowadays  !  This  isn't  fair,  when  peo- 
ple have  paid  their  money  to  hear  all  things  end  happily.  Barkins  jun- 
ior, say  something  stirring  about  love  in  a  attago  ;  though,  for  my  part, 
I  shall  never  believe  that  Cupid  and  cold  mutton  are  friends. 

Fred.    I  have  still  faith  in  my  father's  mercy. 

Bar.     You'll  have  neither  my  consent  nor  ray  money,  sir  ! 

Pium.  That's  your  final  determination,  is  it  ?  What  interlopers  par- 
ents are — 1  wish  we  could  do  without  them.    You're  firm  as  granite,  sir. 

Bar.     Every  bit  of  it ! 

Hum.  Well,  then  nothing  more  can  bo  said.  We  must  drop  the  cur- 
tain at  once.  (Curtain  descends  :  he  is  left  in  front.)  This  is  a  disgrace, 
ful  state  of  things,  and  I  beg  tnat  the  company  will  understand  that  i 
have  done  my  best  to  keep  this  old  gentleman  up  to  the  mark  ;  but  it's 
all  of  no  use.  What  are  we  to  do  to  nnish  the  piece?  he  won't  consent, 
and  I  never  met  with  such  an  obstinate  old  fellow— did  you  ? 

Bar.     {Calls  beldnd.)     Mr.  Plumper,  I  relent,  I  relent ! 

Plvm.  Eh?  what?  up  with  the  curtain.  (^Curtain  rises,  and  discovert 
Barkin's  in  chair.,  Fredkkic  a/i(/  Jessy  kneeling.)  You,  granite?  Why, 
you're  not  even  pumice  stone.  (Plumper  places  chair  beldnd  them,  giita 
on  it,  places  his  hat  on  the  spike  of  his  umbrella,  then  opens,  holds  it  over 
them.,  and  sat/?.)  Bless  you,  my  children  I  There,  that's  more  like  th« 
laisn  of  a  piece.    Now,  then,  red  fire  1  tableau  ! 


SITUATIONS. 

Plumpkb. 
Barkins. 


/ 


